I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
pop tarts are not kleenex
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
