I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
