so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
