just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I died a long time ago.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
