you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
