If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
