u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
