Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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