I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
