we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
