is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
