I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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