then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Be still, my beating vagina.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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