Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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