ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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