Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
