whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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