he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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