Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
