my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
