the condom got lost in my hair
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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