I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Please don't give away my fajitas
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