I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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