Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
