My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
