beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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