My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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