Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
