Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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