I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
