so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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