look no pants
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
