May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
