I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
