just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
