I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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