There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
