no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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