If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize