I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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