if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
