you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize