I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
