I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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