yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
