I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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