Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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