so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
