I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
