And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
