So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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