I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
