i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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