the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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