yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
