am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
