Your mouth is God's brothel.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
