Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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