Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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