So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
