Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
