Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
