my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He shit in the fireplace
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize