What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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