I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
