Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
